The World According to Israel

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After the Arab Spring update, the Mapping Stereotypes project finally enters the realm of astronomy.

This chart finally delivers a crushing blow to the lunatic theory that Israel is round and rotates around the Sun. The country is just too important to be bent into a sphere and tossed around in space.

I actually truly believe this is the mental image that most Israeli politicians have of the world. The paranoia that drives them literary smells of early antiquity. In case you don’t know, that was the time when the Earth was flat and what happened outside your own borders mattered only when it came to military threats. Your land was divine, your city was the only one worth living in, your buddies were the only fun guys in the universe and your women – excuse the sexist cliche – the most shagadelic.

Of course, with several important inventions throughout the ages, humanity managed to move forward. Borders dissolved, people started to move around, America was “discovered” etc. Unfortunately, I think that Israeli politicians spent all this time in cryogenic stasis. When they were defrosted in the middle of the 20th Century, they just continued doing what they did best – being adolescent, provincial kings, pursuing their policies with total disregard for the rest of the world.

This is why, strictly speaking, there is no actual Earth on this map. Only the state of Israel. Around its flat holy surface revolve 8 planets. And far away, in the cold recesses of the Oort cloud, lurks Iran.

34 comments on “The World According to Israel

  • I forgot to reflect on the fact that the map appears to say that Israel lives in fear of the Persians, a.k.a. the Zoroasts, which just so happens to be very closely related to both Judaism as well as Christianism. Which is almost to say that Israel lives in fear of itself.

    … (reflecting on the above for about 5 minutes over a pint of chilled lager down at the pub)…

    And that is probably true. Israel is paranoid and afraid of EVERYTHING. Just like another, much bigger country in the far west.

  • Dear Abban,

    I fear you're being a bit any-semite, no? Please please do note that I happen to do know what a semite really se (and no, it's not a synonym for "Israelite", regardless of what the official propaganda happen to tell you).

  • and yes poor me, like i said – where is your nearest bomb shelter? wipe that shitty smile off your face and tell me if you live in fear of terrorism.

    im sure you just jizz in your euro pants every time a rocket lands in israel. i wish to holy god israel would fed-ex some palestinians to your neighborhoods armed with 50,000 rockets and point them at your family. I'm sure your country will engage in "peace-process" and give em' a slice of your country in the name of peace.

    yeah HAHAHAH.

  • >Oh poor you! Spare me the official propaganda, I happen to be among the people who actually know a little bit of history.>

    What's propaganda my reactionary leftist shill friend? Why not point out the facts?

    >You forgot to mention how many people your country killed in the meantime but why should you. Yes, I live without fear because my country doesn’t occupy anybody else’s land, it doesn’t invade its neighbours and it doesn’t build ghetto walls on its borders. That’s how “fucked” I am. And I like it.>

    I forget to mention how many terrorists Israel has killed? How many times it has had to defend itself? Sorry you leftists have such an immature view of war. Walls? Ghettos? For starters, Israel's "wall" is 99% fence, and it has stopped 100% of all suicide bombings.

    Yes you are quite fucked up, and debased from reality. And your country probably does occupy someone's land if your from Europe, America, or a Muslim state.

    Propaganda, LOL. You are the propagandist. Leftist fascination with Israel is HILARIOUS. Please feel free to fuck yourself any time.

    • The term "terrorist" lacks a clear definition and is wide open to interpretation as people see fit.

      Tell me, how do you define a "terrorist"? Somebody who shoots rockets at you because you started being a pain in the rear (a k a "terrorising") said people? That is not terrorism, it's just giving it back.

      • I know your question is not meant for me but I feel compelled to give you an answer. I do think it's terrorism. The definition of "terrorism" doesn't require lack of reason for "giving it back". If you fire a rocket at civilians, you are a terrorist. Period.

        • What I meant was that party A shoots at civilians. Party B responds by doing the same. Who is terrorising who? And yes, I can agree that somebody who fire a rocket at civilians is a terrorist, but only if it works both ways. One party shouldn't be exempt from that label if they commit pretty much the same act.

  • Here's paranoid. Last month in Israel:

    29 rockets fired at Israel (2 this week)

    Three attempts by Arabs to smuggle explosives into the country between February 20 and 24th


    In addition to that, cannot forget the 4 plots against Israeli abroad, including 2 bombings in India and Thailand. The others were thwarted before they occurred.

    And this is just public information. Paranoid implies irrational fear. There is nothing irrational about Israel's defense policy. If anything, it is passive considering the circumstances it is in. I can only imagine how an artist like yourself would survive in such a land. Draw yourself to death maybe? You think the terrorists will spare you if you draw them some propaganda pictures? LOL. Fucking Euros.

    • You forgot to mention how many people your country killed in the meantime but why should you. Yes, I live without fear because my country doesn't occupy anybody else's land, it doesn't invade its neighbours and it doesn't build ghetto walls on its borders. That's how "fucked" I am. And I like it.

  • What an idiotic map. Why shouldn't Israel be paranoid? What other country is flanked by two of the most well-equipped terrorist regimes on the planet? Hezbollah has over 45,000 missiles, including scuds. Israel has to spend over 8% of its GDP on defense because of this crazy trolls. And every house in Israel has to be enforced with three inch steel concrete, and every person must know where their nearest bomb shelter is.

    does the author of this piece know where his nearest bomb shelter is? NO? DIDN'T F***KING THINK SO!

    So while the USA/Europe bomb Afghanistan/Iraq/Somalia/Any country that plots against them, Israel "negotiates" with its enemies. Nearly 1,000 Israelis were killed and 7,000 killed between 2000-2005. That's 50,000 americans killed and 300,000 wounded. 16 times the number of Americans killed in 9/11.

    you tell me who is paranoid. retard.

      • Will demonstrate the 'lttle' history you know instead of pretentious rhetoric you anti-semitic moron.

        • Ah, now the magic word "anti-semitic" that will assert your moral superiority. You people are so painfully misguided. The first one claims that 1000 Israeli lives equal 50000 American ones, the second calls anti-semitic everything that rubs him the wrong way. I should put you on that map as asteroids somewhere.

          • Somebody (and I don’t mean you, alphadesigner), should also check out what the term “semite” really means and from that draw your own conclusions about what “anti-semitic” is.

            For those who can’t be bothered doing it, I can tell you that a semite is a person who speaks one of the semitic languages, which includes a large number of languages from the region, of which Hebrew is only one. Notably, both Arabic and Maltese are semitic languages. An Israeli person who is against anybody arabic (such as Palestinians) is anti-semitic.

            Furthermore, anybody anti-semitic has something against Maltese people, who is an important part of the European Union. Thus, Israelis are anti-EU.

            And please don’t tell me that anti-semite should mean Israeli only. That is both ignoring history (which is quite convenient to do when it fits specific purposes), and an insult to people speaking any of the other 26+ semitic languages.

            • It's true that the term is a misnomer but for better or worse, it has established itself in modern English vocabulary as a reference about discrimination of Jews and that's how it's understood. I don't think people who use it in this sense mean disrespect for other Semitic people, the problem arises when others use it to counter any argument that rubs them the wrong way.

  • You have mapped how the world interprets Israeli action. May I most humbly suggest that you also map how Israel sees itself. That would be as Mercury, closest to the Sun. The sun would be Iran + the Arab states + the "stans," all rolled into one and about to super nova. Of course, all comets and meteors would be similarly constituted and aimed at Israel.

    The United States would be the asteroid belt; a former planet (ally) that has shattered into a million pieces, loosely held in the same orbit by gravity (the Constitution), with the pieces panting at the possibility of achieving escape velocity.

    France would be off in Orion's belt watching with a mixture of joy and relief.

    Paranoia, self-righteousness, and religion breed a narcissism that cannot truly be understood unless their contributions are properly examined.

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