There was a time when indulgence had its price and churches had menus like restaurants. You could order forgiveness as an appetizer, a whole 3-course spiritual cleansing or a special “Happy Repenting Murderer” combo with extra fries. The priests even had their own jingles like this one courtesy of Johann Tetzel, the Captain Sanders of the time:
When the coin in the coffer rings,
A soul from the purgatory springs!
Those days of virtue are long gone. The rampant spiritual inflation of our superficial age brutally stripped off their value like a sexually repressed priest yearning for ejaculation.
Sensing the impending danger, the Pope decided to use the same old tactic desperate brands use when they see their profits nosedive: low-margin product discounts. The Holy Father, after attending a business conference with several demons, decided to drastically discount the price of purgatory stay. There’s a catch of course. To take advantage of the discount, you must follow him on Twitter.
Of course if you are one of those Christians who don’t treat their god as a nanny you may simply not care. But honestly, how many times have you entered a church without somebody promising you something in return? Eternal life, success, forgiveness of sins, protection from the gay penises? When was the last time you actually didn’t ask for stuff? Here’s a prayer for you. Try it out someday, when you finally grow up.
Our Father in heaven, how are you today? Can I help you with something? I’m fine, thanks for caring! Not that I don’t have problems on my own. But I can solve them myself once in a while. So if you need a helping hand or somebody to talk to, I’m here for you! Just like you have been there for me when I needed you. Amen!
The prayer is released under a Creative Commons Non-Commercial license. Illustration borrowed from Albrecht Dürer.